Updated: Oct 29, 2019
I have never been so grateful that I was molested as a child as I am in this moment! That’s a thought that I never felt I would say in my life... and yet, I am pleasantly surprised by the sentiment now. It is a tremendous relief really. I have been learning a lot about narcissists lately and my new found knowledge about them has now given me an entirely new perspective on my childhood sexual trauma that I felt I had already done a lot of work with and through. Now, there’s a whole new layer called gratitude.
The seed of this epiphany was planted months ago, with a woman that we will call Sally. Sally was in need of help and I was doing my best to give it. She was definitely a bit out of my scope but I kept getting an intuitive download saying continue on working with her. Something ‘really good’ is going to come out of this interaction. I could just feel it. It did not seem apparent at the time but I figured, I was being given the intuitive go ahead and maybe I could help support her in her awareness and development to get to a point that she would want to go to see a counselor, so I trudged along. After two months of intensive work together, it culminated in a nasty text conversation where ‘we/I’ both decided it was in our mutual best interests to stop working together. She may have described it a bit differently in retrospect. It seemed like it ended there with her. I was flat wrong.
Sally happened to get back together with her ex, of whom we shall call Mark, who then decided to harass my place of employment until he could reach me to reconcile how I could have ever said that he cheated on her! Well, the reality is, I never actually said those words. I did say he had a female energy around him but beyond that, it was out of my knowing. Apparently, that meant to Sally, hear what you want to hear, aka ‘a psychic told me that you cheated on me’ & then tell that to your ex, when you get back together. Surprisingly, Mark and I had a good conversation, when we were finally able to connect. It was mostly focused on whether or not I had recorded the sessions between Sally & myself, which I had not, although I am not opposed to it if the other side chooses to. Mark got to speak his piece about how he felt about the situation and I was very amicable to that. I also kindly informed him that if he had problems in the future, to contact me directly as we had just experienced a break-in at the center & everyone was really heightened at that moment, so if he chose to continue calling incessantly, I would be forced to report him to the police. He was amicable to that and I have not heard from him since. Take two, it seemed like it ended there. Again, not so much. The chargebacks were next.
As apart of your rights as a consumer, you are allowed to dispute charges to your debit or credit card within reason. Sally, decided to go after some of those. By working with her bank to dispute charges, she went after my place of employment and the credit card processing company that I worked with once or twice, with her, in taking payments. Come to find out, it was revealed to me that during this process that she had worked with multiple psychics at the center for the new age, of which she is now banned, but fortunately or not, she was choosing specifically to go after me. It resulted in a loss of about $300 and a lot of paperwork. With all of this said and done, she lead me to the path of learning about narcissists. I felt there had to be a reason for such extreme behavior given the circumstances.
Anymore, youtube is a tremendous tool for education. There are phenomenal teachers & resources there from highly educated people who genuinely wish to share their knowledge and experiences, including psychologists that focus on issues such as narcissism. Turns out, as I learned too, it is a lot more uncommon to encounter females that have narcissistic behavioural traits, except for one specific spot in the United States, namely Southern California, where Sally happened to be from. Amazingly enough though, as I began this learning process about their traits, it revealed to me that the relationship I was in at the time, he was a classic narcissist too! That ended quite quickly afterward that discovery came to light and I could put a name to why I felt so miserable with him. During that process of the break-up, upon reflection of my life, that I realized my mother shares these traits too! Usually, there is a strong dynamic between empaths (my modus operandi) and narcissists. You find a myriad of stories & articles about the subject. In my journey of spiritual awareness, this information was rather prevalent, yet not entirely applicable. I just figured I had missed out on that dynamic or that I had not been on that particular boat in my life. The truth turned out to be otherwise. A narcissist had helped shaped my foundational years, namely, I call her mom.
Characteristics of these individuals include: a lack of empathy, boundaries or ability to take responsibility in their lives, a need to control, issues with superiority/entitlement as well as being in a constant state anxiety and/or afraid, an exaggerated need for attention or validation and a myriad of other traits as well. Two of the biggest indicators that you are dealing with an person who functions with these characteristics are lying and gas-lighting. This means that when they say one thing, later on in the conversation or further on in the future, they will deny such statement, correct what they perceived they would have said into something else and leave you feeling unstable & unsettled to the point where it becomes easy for a normal person to feel rather crazy. You get to a state where you really do feel the need to record the conversations you have with this individual to point out to them what they actually and truly said was this not what they are claiming it to be now. That’s gaslighting. My now ex used to do that to me constantly. I realized so did and does my mother. Now on a side note, let me get one thing clear, sociopaths and psychopaths are inherently narcissistic; narcissists are not inherently sociopathic or psychopathic. They are not inherently intertwined as I had once mistakenly believed and as do many others.
Given the gravity of the destructive & abusive tendencies that narcissists display, it is actually rather sad to learn about how they are created. It of course starts in youth. As a child, you would already have to have the natural proclivity towards narcissism first. Given this proclivity, it is then nourished by extremes of attention, getting excess in one area of life and a devoid of it others. An example would be that the child Timmy is always praised for his physical prowess in sports with his parents always present and cheering him on at the game. Healthy enough from an outside perspective until it comes to emotional awareness in another area of life. Here we find that Johnny, a schoolmate, has been mean to him. When Timmy comes home to tell mom about Johnny being mean and now he is feeling bad and upset, she has no patience or doesn’t care and tells him to go to his room or deal with it himself. The same could be said for the young female counterpart Sally. In her case she is excessively and constantly praised for her intelligence but degraded or ignored in another developmental or emotional capacity. Given time, like an entire childhood, these are the variables in the proper breeding ground of how to grow a narcissist. Once created, like any progenitor to their progeny the cycle will then continue, as narcissists can only give what they know and aim to create children that become like them. Enter my epiphany: I have never been so grateful that I was molested as I am in this moment!
The rationale arises from the simple fact that this research has finally given me the answer I had been looking for as to why my mother was the way she was and still is. When I got into the part of learning that they tend to like to raise their children to be like them, so much of my childhood made such more sense. The clarity into insights like this are so stark. Where the sexual abuse comes into this equation is from the perspective of root of childhood development that in my case, as for many, when you are sexually abused at a young age, you are forced to reconcile your reality and sense of self early on. You quickly have to develop form to your identity to make sense of what you’ve been through, even if it is from a place of survival. This previously gained awareness clicked even further into my consciousness with this new facet of understanding. I have done a tremendous amount of healing work around this traumatizing event in my childhood, that has defined so much of my reality with space to be attentive to the fact that more will probably arise. Like an onion, self-healing work is extraordinarily layered. I have found many silver linings to my abuse. I am grateful for the awareness the experience has created in me to be more sympathetic and gentle with others who have experienced the same and that everyone is in the own place of dealing with their own grievances of abuse and are in different phases of processing. I can see it in them as I have seen it me; the anger, frustration, suffocation, grief and on. The profound gratitude that I have now obtained, after over two decades of processing, comes for me in the space, that without this trauma, there are good odds that I would have been a very different person than who I am, of whom I love, if I had not experienced my abuse. Given the light about having a narcissistic mother, I am even more grateful for the molestation itself, as it created my foundation of my sense of me/I that had I been deprived of that, I may have succumbed to something worse. It takes a lot of strength to stave off the constant emotional and mental assault of a full-time, single, narcissistic parent. In an imaginary world, I would like to think that without being molested at age four I would have had a happier childhood. For the longest time, I felt that the real ‘reason’ for my crummy childhood came from abuse, but I feel like at this point I know better. The truth is that I know internally that I’m a strong person. I always have been and just am. In the light of my revelation, I will be honest too in that I am not confident that without the advent of sexual trauma, that I would have been able to withstand the blows of my emotionally devoid and selfish mother. It gets to be a bit tedious and debilitating to be constantly told that you are almost good ‘enough’ if you would just fix this thing or that thing or this thing about me here and so on. She also would justify that she is the way she is so there is no reason to have to take responsibility for her behavior or do something as simple as apologize and yet it was expected of me always. Her un-endless need to control me culminated as a teenager when she cut a 4X4 hole above my door so she could always here what I was doing and that was her compromise instead of just taking my bedroom door entirely, which I had to fight to leave on. Keep in mind, I had never snuck out, went to bed early and was an excellent student. There was no real valid reason for the hole. So as such, with all of that, I am grateful to have been molested. Odd, I know. It is still quite the surprise to me too but it did make me into who I am now in ways I had never imagined, for worse in some places and for better in most. Amazingly enough, this unearthing into the psyche of narcissists also deepened my compassion for my mother and what she went through, to eventually cave into this black hole of an endless need for attention, appreciation and control but that’s a story for another day.